I Know I Have Been MIA, So Much Has Transpired

When my friend was still in the hospital, her parents were staying with me until she was able to go home. Well two nights I snuck BP in to sleep with me and shower, launder his clothes, etc. he was upset I didn’t tell my friend, or her parents, but I was not going to upset everyone. After all, everyone was pretty upset already and they’d be even more so if they knew I was back with him.

So what does BP do? he admits himself for depression at same hospital the day before she was to get released (unbeknownst to him that she was getting released). He texted me and told me he was thinking about it.  Well turns out he did. 

The ridiculous part: He did it for attention and admitted he thought I might want to come see him.  He said he wanted my attention and that I was showing my friend too much attention.

The funniest part:  They tested him for drugs and transported him to a psychiatric ward over an hour away. Now, our state has a 72 hour law where you cannot be released if you admitted yourself for suicidal thoughts or whatever.

Probably the most astounding part: SOMEHOW that bastard talked the psychiatrist into letting him go the next day!  They gave him meds to help with his anxiety and advice to seek counseling for BPD. And they let him go.  How he can manipulate a doctor into going against the law AND giving him meds is beyond me. But since he wasn’t a real threat to himself, they couldn’t keep him.  Of course he’s not a threat to himself, he is too much of a narcissist to hurt himself. Are you kidding me? He just wants the attention. 

He had called me up the night he was admitted but only briefly and long story short I was pissed about it. When he calls me the next day he wants me to bring him clothes.  I said, are you serious?  it is an hour away and I was taking care of my friend who was now staying at my house. I couldn’t leave. Not to mention I was pissed off.

Then he calls me later that night and he was released and wanted me to come pick him up. What is he fucking crazy?  Hell no! So he gets pissed, calls me a ton of names, the usual and hangs up.

He winds up coming over the day after my friend leaves with her parents and apologizes.  He is now on meds and he said it is helping. So of course I give him a chance because he actually is doing something to change, right?  He has 2 months of pills.  So I try it…

We fight, but not as much.  I mostly am upset because he still seems to lack the ability to take responsibility for his past actions and not admit to them or change the story or lessen their severity–i.e. it’s no big deal, I didn’t do anything. So I kick him out again.

For a day or so. He comes back and we were actually getting better. He hadn’t hit me since the last post.  And trust me I hit him when I found out some things, couldn’t BELIEVE it. More secretive, shady bullshit.  But if we are to move on I need to get over it he says. So I try. And I do somewhat, for a while.

Then we are at an event, for me, not for him. He was actually helping me out that day.  He had quit taking his meds two days before which he did not tell me.  He starts acting weird whenever a guy comes around that I work with or that I know from these events. NO biggie, they know who he is, no big deal. Everyone knows we are together. 

He tells me the next day he had stopped taking meds. I LOSE it.  I knew something was wrong and I had wondered why he was going back to how he was. Granted it wasn’t perfect when he was on meds, but it sure as hell was a lot easier.  And then he stops? Cold turkey??

He has been off the meds since October 30 and here it is November 16 and he is no where to be found because I kicked him out yesterday. He was out of town for 3 days and when he came back he was acting all weird. Very jealous over the phone before he got here. He wanted to cal me when he landed, which was pretty late. I was working online at the time (I have a major deadline on a project that I am past due) so I said “sure, go for it” Which to me meant, YES. So he got all upset I didn’t simply say “Yes”. So of course I got pissed because he was nagging about how I should not respond to his questions. Seriously?? I finally just said whatever, it was going to be late, I have to get up early, just wake me up when you get home (airport is 1 1/2 hours away) so that is going to be even later, 1:30 AM to be exact.  Just call me when you touch down.

 Then when he touched down he never called.  So I call 30 minutes after he lands and he said he was just getting to his truck. Okay, fine. I’m going to sleep. I have my friend’s 13 yr old over who I am babysitting.  I wake her up off the sofa and tell her to go to bed. And then I get in bed.

I wake up around 1:30 wondering why he isn’t home yet. So I call him, he doesn’t answer.  I call several times and am worried he fell asleep driving home. He texts me that he just saw “that” cop. We have one that lives down the road. Okay, so I think he got stopped or whatever. I don’t think anything of it.  I call him and he answers, I say “where are you?” He said down the road. I then ask, “how long have you been down there?” (because if you remember back he once sat in his truck for an hour thinking I didn’t want him to come home after a trip, which makes no sense because we discussed his coming back earlier that day). I assume he is doing this AGAIN so this is why I asked. He is late.

Well he assumes that I mean how long have you been watching because I am up to no good. And “that cop” was someone he thinks is interested in me, different cop, from an event we were at months ago. WTF? I don’t even know the guy’s name! WTF is he even talk about, I am sitting up in bed, I have a 13 yr old downstairs, it is now 1:40 AM and I am tired. Has he gone mad??

So I get pissed, hang up, he calls me back and he is in my driveway, I asked if he was coming up or not because it is late. He comes in and starts accusing me of having someone over right before he got there (his ex fiancé cheated on him and that actually happened and he busted them IN BED–TWENTY YEARS AGO!) 

I then start telling him yeah, I am going to hook up with some cop right before you get here with my friend’s 13 yr old in the next room, I look like hell, I am wearing sweats and am bleeding like crazy and all cramped up (bad period).  I then say that he needs to keep his voice down because he is going to wake up the 13 yr old. He didn’t know she was there because she was originally supposed to leave the day before.  I tell him to leave, he refuses. I tell him I am not playing the same game, there is a kid here and I will not do this while she is under my roof. He still refuses to leave.

We go into the garage and start fighting and then it gets bad.  I tell him I am NOT sleeping with him because I will not fall back into a cycle with him. Trust me, I wanted to but I know what happens. He then says that the reason I didn’t want so sleep with him is because I just fucked someone else 30 minutes ago and get this, and I kid you not…”If I put my fingers in you you’ll be loose as a whore. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.” (in the same breath) I stand there, stunned, for just a second and then I, and this is AWFUL, beware… I reached in my pants screaming “if you reach into my pants the only thing you will find is this!!!” and I pulled my tampon out and threw it at him. I swear to God. Have I gone fucking crazy!!?? I don’t even know who I am at this point. I am so livid. Insanity is contagious. And then he starts in on me and says I shouldn’t have had the abortion and how could I have done that to us, to the baby. I lose it and start crying and I am hitting him and screaming, how can you say that???  You didn’t want it, you couldn’t afford it, look at our relationship, etc. etc. Same old same old.  Calls me a whore, then says I cause him to act crazy because guys talk to me at work, or online on my YouTube account (publicly!) or in the grocery store, wherefuckingever! And it is all MY fault because I don’t just tell the to go to hell and keep walking.

He then says the reason I don’t want to be with him is because I have someone else lined up. I tell him that I wish because it would be easier but it’s not true.  The same old “you don’t love me, you hate me, you have someone else” diatribe so I say to him, “yeah I have some imaginary other guy, is that what you want me to say, that I have an imaginary guy with a bigger dick than you??”

he then says “Oh yeah, well the next girl I have is going to have a skinny ass and nice, round natural feeling breasts.”  WTF does that even mean? I don’t have breast implants.

So I get upset because I am talking shit about an imaginary person, yet he is threatening me with some future some girl with a skinny ass…wait. What do you mean WITH a skinny ass, that implies I have a big ass.  If you said skinnier ass that might be a little better but, no, you did NOT just fucking imply I have a big ass!!

He hates it when I am 121 lb (which I like) and he likes when I am 125 lb.. For fuck’s sake I was 127.4 that day (2 days ago), yesterday I went down to 125.2, and today I am 123.4 – salmon and peas.  And cigarettes.  Yay me!

Honestly it wouldn’t matter if I were* perfect*, he just wants me to feel badly about myself.  On one hand he says, you think you’re hot shit, you take care of yourself and act like a stripper. Wait, so now I take off my money for guys and get paid for it and they pay for my car note and house? Naaaah, don’t think I’m a stripper.  And on the other hand he thinks it is awesome I can get dirty and not care if my hair is fixed or I have make up on. Which is it??

Anyway, it gets worse, he leaves, but sleeps in his car. So I wake up the next day and he texts me that he is going to move the stuff out of the garage.

He takes foooooooooorever to move out, even doing this I asked him NOT to do to waste time. So I tell him he can take a shower and eat, because I realized what I was making wasn’t the healthiest choice so I gave it to him, after all I have a fucking fat ass. Which btw he apologized for and said he just said it to upset me. Whatever.  

So he hugs me, tries to kiss me, I don’t do it.  But I fix him a plate and I make my salmon and peas, and water. Then I go in the laundry room to finish his clothes. Which I have been taking care of all morning, folding them, etc. {this fact is pertinent later on]

The evening goes well, he sleeps over, we make love a ton of times, it is damn good, we wake up at 7, same thing, we are all googly eyed until 10:30 AM! The day goes okay.

And then I found out he had been hoarding money (and it wasn’t much) but I am still supporting him and he has the nerve to buy some stupid thing he did not need, yet can’t afford to help pay for the bills where he lives.

So I tell him to get the hell out, go live with his skinnier assed chick and let her support him. And I throw a glass (small) candle at him in the garage. Actually at the floor, I never intended on hitting him, it was quite obviously.

So he does leave. And I have not heard from him since. That was yesterday afternoon and here it is 8 PM at night. I have texted and called, I stopped texting yesterday at 11:47 PM last night.

BTW the laundry comment above, he had gotten his laundry out of the dryer and folded it and piled mine unfolded on the counter. I ALWAYS wash and fold his clothes regardless if he is out or we are fighting, or getting along. it doesn’t matter. I realize it is just a little thing, and in the bigger picture, laundry is irrelevant. But it IS the little things.  This shows someone’s character. There are clear character flaws in him. The CL poaching, the lying, the mooching, the inability to be held accountable, the vindictive behavior. You can’t change all that. It is inherent.

So anyway, no, I have not heard form him. He is either being vindictive trying to get back at me, trying to scope out chicks online. Stalking me online by searching for any @ and my Twitter name to see what others say to me. Or he is emotionally shut down, riding in the desert some place. Or he is in LA working. I have no idea. None.  I am clueless and it is very uncomfortable.

It is like someone pulled off a cancerous arm and I can still feel it occasionally but it’s not really there.  And I want it back because I want two arms and I am accustomed to it, but it was killing me so I am better off without it.  But still I want it back.

So it is 1/2 a Xanax and a glass of wine for me so I can sleep without waking up in the middle of the night reaching out for him. I know he will text in the next few days, or call, and I know I will answer. I know I need not to. but it is very difficult. 😦

Posted in BPD, cheating, control, infidelity, insecurity, intermittent positive reinforcement, lack of respect, lack of trust, love, psychology, relationships | Leave a comment

I Don’t Even Know What To Title This

I have been at the hospital the last two days because my really good friend was severely hurt. As in life-threatening. They think she will be here for a few weeks.

So BP calls me this afternoon (it’s been a few days) and when I answer he excitedly says “Baby!! I couldn’t call you because I left my phone in…” yadayada, whatever the fuck his excuse is this time. And wondered why I didn’t seem to care. I told him about my friend (he hates her) and he acted all bothered. He then tells me he loves me, needs me, blah blah blah.   I say well, we can’t get along so it is pointless. I can’t have hope and put myself through that again. He tells me he stayed away and didn’t call because he was “punishing himself for hitting me and treating me so badly”.  Now I may be naive sometimes but this is just bullshit. He then says he will call me at 8 PM to talk to me after he finishes for the day.

And my dumbass waits.

And of course, he doesn’t call. It is 9:45 and no call. His phone is going straight to voicemail.  Hasn’t answered my texts, nothing, Who fucking does that?? I mean REALLY. Who does this? Who is this twisted to ignore me for the week, then when I get focused on my own business or stop contacting him because I am busy with a life threatening issue, then he calls me all freaked. Promises to call, and then nothing. And of course, I wonder. Is he with someone? Is he up to his old shit? And the wounds re-open.  

Honestly I shouldn’t even care. I am too tired to even worry about this right now. I just need to sleep. I haven’t eaten and I am sore from sitting in the chair all day next to her bed.  But really, who does this? And why?? I mean, does he find it entertaining to mess with my head so much?

It does amaze me that people can be this fucked up and cruel. I really don’t understand it. I could never be like that.

Posted in Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, control, intermittent positive reinforcement, lack of respect, psychology, relationships | Leave a comment

Last Night Was Such A Nightmare

Literally and figuratively. He called me last night after texting back and forth and I answered the phone, which I shouldn’t have. He was exhausted and grouchy and he said, “How can you WANT me to be unhappy?” I told him, because I was so miserable. He told me that I was an awful person because I didn’t want him to be happy. Okay, it is has been like 4 days. Four days! What am I am supposed to feel like? “I just want you to be happy because I love you.”   No.  HowaboutFUCKNO! And I will not apologize for it! I look like White Trash Barbie with a bottle of gin in my hand and a shit-ton of bruises. I am broke, he has taken every dime from me, I have no self-esteem left, I am depressed and I want him to be happy?  No, I truly do not. I want him to suffer for everything he has ever done, for every choice he has ever made that helped destroy us. And then he has the nerve to say that it will work out. Seriously?

Then he says, “how can you say you like hitting me?”

What?? I never said that!”  and we go back and forth and it changes to…

“Well you said you enjoyed it.”

What!! no I didn’t, are you delusional??”

“Well you said it made you feel better.”

 YES. BINGO! I said it made me temporarily feel better when I hit him back or after I found out new details about him trying to sleep with other women, or when he tried looking up women’s profiles while I was out having tacos with a girlfriend and had been out  “too long” (a couple of hours). That is NOT the same thing as liking it or enjoying it.  Well he then said he didn’t enjoy hitting me. Okay, then why do it? Because I have been there every time and he would just hit me and when I could do nothing else I disgustingly spit in his face, then he would hit me and say do it again, so I did, and he hit me and this went on 4 times. With a fucking smile on his face.

Anyway, we then argued back and forth and then he hung up on me. 

It is crazy making behavior, it is hurtful, and I can’t seem to get it out! I feel like I need to be listened to by him and he only half-heartedly does so. Even when I said you have got to admit the majority of our issues were caused by you. And just to appease me he says, “Yep, it was all my fault” I tell him that I never said that and that I know he is just trying to tell me what he thinks I want to hear. I ask him what he thought I wanted to hear “That is was all my fault”, he says,. “NO I want to hear the truth!” I yell.

He calls me, upsets me, we fight, I get hung up on. WTF.  It’s this huge powertrip with him. Keep her hanging on but be out of touch and make her wonder what I’m doing. Yeah, because that works.

He refuses to even check my emails or any of his emails still because he said he can’t deal with it all. He is pretty much just hanging out with his sponsors, working and improving what they have so they can win the next three events for the championship. He distances himself from reality, then fabricates or embellishes what he does remember, which in turn demonizes me and lessens his involvement in the situation. Then he expects me to be there when he is finished “shutting down” as he says.  He pretty much stays away until my face heals, like every other time, so he doesn’t  have to face it. The reality of it all is dulled by his avoidance and it becomes about what I do to upset him.  Yet I am forced to deal with my emotions on a spectacular level and I go from being angry to crying every other hour. It is maddening. I feel like a whackjob.

I wrote him a few more texts after he hung up, about it never ceases to amaze me how he continues to surprise me with his actions. Thar hanging up was just rude and a slap in the face. Pretty much his attitude is ‘I am calling to see if you are alright, okay I am done being force-fed the reality of the situation and your feelings’, then *click* 

Then I receive a text which I did not get until this morning because I went to bed:

“I called you to make you feel better, offer reassurance and ease your mind from running wild. And we start fighting, you say you want me to feel bad like you do 😦 I only called to help because I was worried about you and love you. I know things are really messed up but it will work out”

It hasn’t “worked out” in 2 years. Why does he think if he just wins the championship, or makes some money or my face heals, or we miss each other enough that it will just work out? Yeah, it will work out. If I never go back, that is. Things will never “work out” for me if I am with him.  I can’t get past the lies and the infidelity and I can’t ever believe a word out of his mouth even if he never did a single betraying thing again.  I can’t get past it, and even when I try, the new things come up, the questioning because I need to go on an interview for a job, or I’m 15 minutes late, or was I looking at so and so in the store, or he doesn’t like my friends, “you always want to hang out with them more than me”. I hang out once a month MAYBE with a friend for maybe a few hours.  Or when the bills come and I am selling things to pay for them, I get no help. How am I supposed to live a normal life or at least a calm one when the shit doesn’t change? It doesn’t ever fucking change!

His insecurity is what hurts us, as he admitted last night. And I have done all in my power other than what he would like: to just get pregnant, have his child and somehow win the lottery so I don’t have to work for money to support him.  I also would not be able to have any friends, never go anywhere unescorted, never go online to socialize with a couple of friends I do keep in contact that live in other states. I can only do the sports I want to if he is able to do them as well. Which means I can’t do the majority of what I like to do because he is not certified, licensed, or has the know how and gear.

It’s like being in my own prison and it’s either all or nothing. You either leave, or you stay and eventually find yourself either dead by another’s hands or by your own–lying in a bloody bathtub within four years just to escape the madness.

The real nightmare, while I slept I dreamt that he was sleeping with some woman named Korine (why that name I have no idea), and that he had been doing so all along and had played us both. but I looked like the crazy one and he didn’t believe me that he had been living with me for that last couple years. I wish I had woken up and written it down because it was so vivid when I awoke. Now it is hazy and I suppose that is for the better. I remember being so upset that I woke up crying.  

 I can’t even get peace in my sleep.

Posted in Adrenaline Addiction, Borderline Personality Disorder, insecurity, intermittent positive reinforcement, lack of respect, lack of trust, love, psychology, relationships, violence | 1 Comment

This Is Killing Me

I was at my friend’s bridal shower today and wasn’t even going to show up looking like I did in front of a bunch of strangers. But I love my friend and wanted to be there to celebrate her joy. No one said anything, thankfully, abut my bruises. But they knew I am sure.

During the opening of her presents, she was glowing and talking about “consummating” her marriage and although they had slept together before ,obviously many times, she was just so happy.  And I lost it. I just grabbed my phone and cigarettes and ran out of the house. I sat out there, smoking and crying, and texting my BP asking him him why, why , why…

And he asked to see me. I said no. He, of course, didn’t text me back until I had another meltdown tonight, wanting to see me, and I still said no because I know I cannot. He said, “I’m here, baby” – and of course I think he meant physically, but it wasn’t so. I felt like an idiot for going outside. He meant emotionally. WTF! Even though I knew I couldn’t see him, I went outside anyway, and even though I was thankful he wasn’t here, I was also disappointed. How screwed up in the head am I??

I just feel so fucked up.  He said that there was hope for us, I said there wasn’t and being the narcissist that he is “there’s only no hope if you’ve been with someone or want to be with someone else” – WTF?? Is this transference once again, or is it just always about him no matter what my state of mind happens to be?

I engaged in one of my usual “escape” sports and it got my mind off of everything only while it lasted and then it went to shit. Even though it could have gone south and there was one incident, we all escaped unharmed. Well sorta. Anyway, it’s like trying to fill a void I have someplace that I cannot even find and I can never fill.

I’m just so fucking devastated, this is the worst pain I have ever been in. I am going through withdrawals and feel that anything is better than nothing. but I know it isn’t true, logically. But it sure as hell feels like it.  It doesn’t matter what I take, drink, do, or whom I hang out with. It doesn’t fill me anymore.

Posted in Adrenaline Addiction, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, insecurity, psychology, relationships | Leave a comment

This Is My Life

I don’t normally like Eminem but I can relate to this song/video “Love The Way You Lie”  – Well, without the stealing vodka in a liquor store and ghetto ass apartment. But the theme is my reality. I have played this song and watched this video so many times.

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uelHwf8o7_U&ob=av2n

Posted in casual sex, cheating, control, domestic violence, infidelity, insecurity, intermittent positive reinforcement, lack of respect, lack of trust, love, lying, psychology, relationships, violence | Leave a comment

August 2010 Violence

Last month’s fight (August) resulted in a black eye and more arm bruises.  I am actually shocked that there were two major violent episodes between us so closely spaced. But truth is truth and I guess I didn’t realize it until I looked in my phone. I took these photos about 5 days afetrwards. I don’t know why I waited. I guess I just didn’t think about it. I had just started blogging about everything but I wasn’t expecting to post photos. I had actually just taken them to send to my friend because I told her I didn’t want to see her until I was healed but she wanted to see.

These pics are from an earlier blog posted here:

https://pestilentiallove.wordpress.com/2010/08/13/i-am-so-incredibly-sore/

https://pestilentiallove.wordpress.com/2010/08/14/the-house-is-so-quiet/

I just found them on my phone and thought I’d update with a new blog, but I will include them in the original blog as well.

Posted in Abuse Photos, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, cheating, Craigslist, domestic violence, lack of respect, love, Prostitution, relationships, violence | 4 Comments

July 2010 Violence

Although I only had a few bruises and my nose only slightly bled, this time David got Goliath in the nose. I can’t even remember how this happened. I don’t know what we were fighting about. But this time I struck back and I connected with his nose. I am just as guilty, I don’t care what the reason was, this is just wrong. It was just a clusterfuck of fists flying and feet kicking and I don’t know whose blood is whose but I think most of it is from his nose. I remember it being in the bathroom for some reason and I freaked when I made his nose bleed. I instantly felt guilty and it didn’t matter what he did at that point, no matter if I got hit or kicked, I reacted and did it back and honestly I can’t even recall if I hit first or he did. It was just bad–all over. I know we must have continued to fight because the blood was everywhere and all over me.  The next day I was only slightly bruised but his nose was sore. I can’t even make any heads or tails of it at all. I wish I could remember why but I had not been keeping a journal at this time and although it looks serious, it did not make as much of an impact as the usual episodes. This is shameful to me 😦 I wish I could remember why or how but I really can’t recall. For all I know I got jealous and hit him, or he did and I don’t remember why.  At first I thought we had gotten through one month without a fight but then I saw this in my phone dated July 30, 2010 – I guess I thought too soon.                                                                            

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Posted in Abuse Photos, BPD, domestic violence, lack of respect, psychology, relationships, violence | Leave a comment