His Fucking Bullshit Is Mindblowing. Truly.

We chatted via text about my ear and face and I sent pics, but he never responds, but I can see that he read them, yet he writes our friend to say possibly yes to an invite to go see some chick sing at a small bar on Saturday.  Are you kidding me? You find it important to write, “Thanks for the invite,That would be fun, I’ll look at directions to see how far and if I can make it.” to our friend, but you can’t even acknowledge I sent an email with pics of my face. Who does that??

It then goes off into a long tirade of blame via text and I am livid. I fucking hate him.  I hate who he really  is inside and how he has everyone fooled. I hate him for what he has done to us and how he takes no accountability. I love him for very small reasons these days and honestly, I feel like life in general woul \d be better without his existence. And I mean that. Yet, I would be sad, and guilty. And I just fucking hate what he has done. NO. What I allowed him to do to us and me as a person, I hate him for it, when honestly, who should I blame. ME. Because I let it all happen.

I’m taking a Xanax and going to bed. My 1/2 a Xanax every 4 months that I indulge in.  I’m so pissed off at myself for allowing this to happen, for losing myself, for giving so much I now have absolutely SHIT. I hate the fact that I now have less than $400. in the bank, and I am 2 mortgages behind and all I can do is obsess about him and why he doesn’t call or text or care, or what he is doing, and how he will recover so much faster and be with someone to make him whole when all he is is an empty shell of a piece of shit that doesn’t deserve to be loved by anyone but himself. .

I’m so angry!! And sad!! And it was all disillusionment. Everything. Just fucking everything 😦

September 2010 – The Physical Aftermath In Photos

I have such an incredible headache today. My ear still feels as though there is water in it and the sound of white noise is somewhat annoying. I have only had a few issues which I am sure are related to either my ear or possible minor head injuries. For instance, when changing elevations while driving, my ear started popping as if it were clearing. And I’ve only lost my balance a few times, but it is way better today I suppose. My bruises are darker but my face seems better, the swelling has gone down somewhat but definitely darker. I feel my bruised ribs on my back even more and that bruise has darkened. The two kick marks on my legs aren’t as bad as they could be but they still hurt and ar blackened.

He hasn’t called or texted me since yesterday when asking about my ear. I told him about a few other injuries, like my ribs on my back are bruised and the other bumps on my head and forehead and he didn’t even acknowledge it. He only acknowledged when I had told him I kept receiving the comedy club voice memo email over and over from his phone. I haven’t heard a word since.

I know it is for the better, but it still hurts emotionally.  I assume he will take a few days before he tries texting or seeing me. He is probably distancing himself from the situation to desensitize the reality of it, or his involvement in it. He more than likely won’t try to see me for days, if at all this time. For all I know he is either trying to hook up with chicks as is his customary vindictive MO or he is riding in the middle of the desert so he doesn’t have to think about it.

I know I need to never see him again and I know what is logical but breaking an addiction to a person is just as difficult as recovering from a drug. Because that is what a relationship which is as passionate as ours was (is?) (when it isn’t pure hell), is–a drug. And it can kill you just as easily.

I am actually feel guilty for being upset that he hasn’t called or texted to see how I was because I have not extended him the same courtesy. Am I being selfish and not texting to see how he is? Because I worry about him and wonder if he is alright. I wonder if he is sad or scared of abandonment. I know it is preposterous to even feel guilty at all but I do. Sure, I know the textbook version of how BPs actually manipulate you to feel guilty in some way over what they did to you, that it is all your fault and that if you loved them as much as you say you do/did you wouldn’t abandon ship. Yes, I feel guilty. Not only for hitting him (as I should, and I feel remorseful  as well), but I mostly feel guilty for not being strong enough to deal with his BPD correctly.

Speaking of being able to “deal” with BPD correctly…while readingStop Walking On Eggshells I was overwhelmed by the plea (of the author and of BPs) for people to stay with their BPD partners and that the non-BP must learn how to communicate more tactfully and not trigger the BP. Yet they claim that you need to stop walking on eggshells. I don’t understand this. As one non-BP said of leaving her BP, she didn’t think that it was up to her, or her responsibility, to bear the weight of the relationship and change her way of communicating, reacting, etc. since the BP could not do so himself.  I feel that stronger people, people who  have more of a sense of worth or higher self-esteem (like I once had) or less of a need to rescue and care for another in a sense that is unhealthy are the ones who “escape”. Sure, love is love and if the relationship is worth fighting for then all the more power to them. But the weight of being in a BP relationship is truly unbearable. The reward can be great, as it really is wonderful to be adored and loved in such away when they are in their idolization phase. But when they are in their “split” phase, it is another matter entirely.

I know that people often compare relationships such as these to the “Boiling Frog” experiment (Heinzmann,  1872; Fratscher]1875, where a frog is placed into a pot of cold water and then slowly heated. The idea is that if it is gradual enough it will not grasp the seriousness of the threat and  hence will die. Whereas if you toss the frog into already hot water it will try to escape. These two scientists did claim that the frogs did indeed die if the increase in temperature were gradual enough, and in other experiments the frog chose to escape when the change was more abrupt.   However, modern-day scientists disagree and the experiment was never truly officially, recreated and documented as its predecessor (as far as I know) resulting in the demise of the unfortunate frog.  Thus, it is generally thought of as an analogy (mostly when referring to Government control), as some have attempted the same and the frog did indeed jump out. However, are people less likely to jump out of hot water even if they are slowly dying?

I sometimes think to myself, was the good really all that good? Or was it just simply not as bad as when you compare to when you are in hell? In other words, when you’re dying of thirst, piss will taste good and you can survive off of it. But under normal circumstances, you wouldn’t dare touch your lips to the glass. When he is on his upswing, it certainly feels worth it to me. But when he is on the downswing, I sometimes feel like ending it just to escape, or pray that something will happen to take my life. Or just let him fucking kill me and get it over with. I can’t eat or I overeat, I either can’t sleep or I sleep fitfully. I do destructive things like drink for 5 days solid (about 3 drinks, not a whole bottle!) and chainsmoke until my throat hurts. I sometimes look in the mirror and wonder who the hell I am anymore. I am physically showing signs of stress and it is almost as I have aged considerably in the last 2 years. But then he comes back around and professes his love and adoration and I fall for it, because it feels good to be “loved” again.

Or am I simply just so hellbent on not being like my mother who had multiple marriages to losers, abusive losers sometimes. Do I long for a normal, stable relationship so much I give everything up to “fix” what I have already put so much time, love and energy into? To do whatever it takes forgo abandonment or be the abandoner myself?

I hate this feeling I have right now. The wondering about how can you say “You are my soulmate, I will love you forever, I could never be with someone else, I would die without you, I need you” All lies I often am told. Or does a BP really believe this when they say it as if I am some Madonna and then their mood shifts and you are The Whore again.

Part of me wishes I had never met him–ever. And the other part of me says I would have never known such passion and completeness of spirit during those few hours or days when it is just he and I and all is “perfect” in our little world again. Is it truly better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I call Bullshit on that one.

    

The first 3 pics were taking a few hours afterwards, the last pic of my eye was taken this morning.

The Good Just Doesn’t Stay Around Long Enough

He’s out again, and I have a black eye, bruised knot on my forehead, side of my head, bruised lower cheek and  the worst bruises I have ever had on my arms, elbows, and two footprints from kicks to my legs.  The worst? He hit me in my ear so hard I can’t hear out of it. It sounds like being in a tunnel when I listen to sounds, and when it’s silent, it sounds like either blood rushing in and out, or traffic, mixed with white noise. If I lie down on my good ear, my right one plays tricks on me, like I can hear thumping, and it makes me think someone is coming up the stairs. Yes, he has a few scratches and he claims I hit him in the eye.

This absolutely has to be it. It started because I was supposed to call about a job [I am currently unemployed, aren’t we all 😦 ] Although my employment seems to be exacerbated by the fact that every time an employment opportunity comes along it is thwarted by jealousy or outbursts. I can’t seem to leave the house, or meet with anyone without it erupting in to a fist fight.  But I am going to lose my house if I don’t do something in the next two weeks.

Anyway, I was supposed to follow-up on a job on Friday, well we had fought on Thursday and I was afraid to trigger an argument because I was supposed to call a guy who I worked with for the last company. So I put it off, then I put it off on Tuesday (yesterday) because I didn’t want to start an argument and he was around me the entire time. So I told him this and he assumed it was because I was guilty.  I was supposed to possibly meet in the city this week to discuss more and to see if I could start soon. I was simply afraid to follow through because I knew it would erupt into more. (My b/f and I not the guy for God’s sake.)

He starts interrogating me and I just fucking lose it. I am SO sick of him not paying any bills around here but as soon as I get an opportunity, I lose it or give it up because I want to appease him or not trigger his raging. Which honestly, is my own fault. I should be my own person and just tell him I have to do it. Well, it’s just not that easy sometimes. So it just escalates and I wind up throwing a glass and hitting the fireplace. Great. Who the hell am I anymore???? Why the hell did I just do that??? He wouldn’t stop interrogating me and I told him just to leave, which he refused.  I assume the fact that I had 3 glasses of wine at dinner did not help whatsoever. I was livid and I didn’t hold back. So it starts with the name-calling and he refuses to leave then I follow him into the garage to make sure he would leave. He starts circling my car and interrogating me more and telling me he can’t trust me etc. It was driving me INSANE. And then I reacted again, I grabbed a dustpan and threw it towards him but not to hit him.   I am acting like the psycho now.

Then it gets worse. I go to gently take the cord out of his laptop in the garage and I mean it when I say gently.  I should have remembered he hurt me last time I did that. And here it comes. He grabs me by the throat and neck and slams me down on the concrete and hits me in the side of the head. I try to get out of his grasp which now is focused on my arms and he is shaking me so hard my back is hitting the concrete.  I try to get my leg between us and he just starts hurting me more so I get up and scream, why did you do that?? I wasn’t going to do anything!! And he said I never know with you. So I realize I am throbbing all over and I am enraged, I point my finger at him and said what gives you the right to go overboard like that!! And he then grabs by hand and crushes my fingers. So of course, I strike out at him and then he hits me in the head and then kicks me twice.

So it gets worse, because I tell him to get out which he refuses so I pick up his laptop (which is already broken) and I DO throw it, about a foot on the table and that’s when he punches me square in the temple and then slaps or punches me in the ear and then in the forehead. He now has me on the ground and I can’t hear anything and I am gasping.  I no longer touch him, as I am too scared to do anything but say I can’t hear, I can’t hear. Then he said, “It goes away” Then asks if I am alright as I am walking back into the house. I still am stunned and keep mumbling I can’t hear. So I turn around and realize he is following me into the house, I scream get out just stay away from me so he does.

I calm down in the house and I go out in the garage and he is lying on the floor on one of the mats with a few of his bags. I go to say I am sorry but then he says that I caused it all and I shouldn’t have ever tried to fight him or fight back and he knows he can’t control his temper and he wasn’t going to apologize until I admit I have a bad temper. Which I do, readily admit to. Then he said then I am sorry. Well it means SHIT to me if it has conditions attached to it. You’re either sorry or not. But you can’t be sorry and then say it is my fault for causing it all.

So I tell him just to leave and he does because he sat there and was saying how he was just protecting himself and that I was “beating him up” and hurting him. Okay he can clearly see my cheek and forehead are both swollen and I beat him up?  Don’t get me wrong, Iw as guilty. But the audacity to say I actually beat him up when I couldn’t even hear anything he was saying on that side of my head and I have a bump on my skull the size of an egg and then wouldn’t admit he did anything at this time. Reality is so different from him.

So he leaves and he says before he goes, so there is no changing your mind this time? I pointe to my eye and said, “no”.  He said to me I don’t understand how we can go from making love the way we just did all day, and yes, we had JUST made love not 20 minutes before the argument. And it was extraordinary. But the pleasure was short-lived as the throbbing pain kind of erases all of that.

So he left. And I stupidly texted him that no matter what he did to me I still loved him and how awful it is to be so weak when it comes to missing him. And I get a text response this morning asking me how my ear was. And then a few regular texts about this and that. I told him Iw as trying to sleep and I haven’t said anything…until.

I kept getting these voice memos over and over from his phone when he was at that comedy club after practice one day (supposedly by himself) listening to thatcomedian talk about fucking young girls and whatever disgusting crap one can think of. And I asked him to check his phone and stop it from sending me email over and over. I sent that to myself over a week ago, almost 2 I would think. And now it is resending. So I am reminded of it constantly. Of course, it just pisses me off more and gives me strength that he was even there. Mr Self-Proclaimed Conservative Hypocrite that he is.

I finished reading my book this afternoon, Stop Walking On Eggshells and it says a huge majority of those with Borderline Personality Disorder cheat. That made me feel so great, let me tell you. Like I already needed more fuel for that fire.  It also affirmed the fact that the relationships are usually highly addictive between the BP and the Non-BP and that intermittent reinforcement sure as hell doesn’t help that situation.

I think I am going to start posting photos of the bruises because it is amazing how desensitized I have become after they fade.

I freely admit that apparently I started it, no I DID start the violent part, but I sure as hell did not end it nor did I even remotely hurt him near as hard, as much, or as often as he did to me. it doesn’t make my part any more forgivable, but I can say that in all honestly, if someone is much larger han you and more violent just leave. I used to just leave but I got tired of backing down. Especially when they cant’ even admit they did it and refuse to lok at you afterwards because they are ashamed they did anything at all. Be smarter than I am. Just leave. Or if you ever see a red flag at the beginning of the relationship, leave then. Don’t get 2 years into it and in financial ruin, don’t isolate yourself like I did.  Don’t put yourself in danger no matter how mad you are.  Know that hitting is wrong no matter how little damage you think you will do, no matter how angry, no matter how upset or trapped you feel.  It doesn’t matter to the coroner that you slapped someone first, or last. What matters is how he is supposed to make you look presentable for your funeral.

Just get out while you can.

After The Bad, Comes The Good

We have been getting along perfectly the last few days, it is actually almost scary. Okay 3 days is really not long, but it seems like forever!  This stage drives me crazy because I don’t understand why it can’t be like this all of the time??  Granted I haven’t gone anywhere without him, I have been sitting at home working my butt off nonstop. But I have spoken to a girlfriend he cannot stand. So I guess with that being the only trespass of mine as of late, our “getting along” is not so miraculous after all.

But the point still is, why the hell can he act sane, or not argue about anything and everything 90% of the time, oh hell at least 75% of the time (50%??)?? Or am I really rewarding bad behavior by not doing anything that I want to do as so not to trigger any arguments?  Honestly though, it isn’t like he is stopping me. I just really don’t feel like going anywhere anymore.  I don’t have the money to do anything anyway, and my friends have all disappeared a long time ago (except for 2).  And both of those he hates so it’s me, my piano, and my cats–and my work.  We have been doing our separate thing lately, he works in his office, I work in mine. So, we actually miss one another, and wait a minute…This isn’t “getting along” this is not being around one another enough to actually want to start anything.  AND get this, we haven’t had sex in two days, US! Imagine! We have been so tired at the end of the night we fall right to sleep. If either one of us initiated it, we would have but neither of us really have. We’ve made comments about our not doing anything, but as soon as night falls, and after dinner–we’re out. We have been forcing ourselves up in the mornings because we have had to get work done so no morning sex. AND we’ve been making the bed as to dissuade us from falling back into it in the middle of the day.

**We both just discussed the fact that we haven’t had sex in two days, he said, “I know! It must be a record” So we decided to meet in teh bedroom after he mows the grass and I work a little bit longer. Com eon, the perks in this relationship are still welcome.**

We went mountainbike riding yesterday, hardcore riding too (for training). I absolutely hate pedaling but it felt good afterwards. It’s very odd but before, cardio and hardcore exercise (even running) has never appealed to me, but recently I have been wanting to do it.  Almost like I need the endorphins.

Anyway, we almost got into a small argument last night about doing something for Labor Day. He forgets my skill level in one activity we do together and he is going to get me killed.  This was the 3rd time I have had to tell him “NO, do you want me dead? I can’t do that are and you know it. Last time I could have died and now the conditions are even worse because of the onset of full summer.”  If the ground were not so dry and sandy, it would be a lot better and a lot safer. But right now, and with no health insurance and no grip, it’s just stupid. He shouldn’t even be going there alone (as he has), sitting in a canyon all night with a broken femur, waiting for coyotes to eat you = not good.

So I woke up this morning and said, well if you get up I’ll go _____ with you today.  (I figured we could do a lower portion more safely, but still go). He then tells me he didn’t sleep very well and his arm felt numb and to wake him up in an hour. Seriously?

 How the hell did I lose that one?  He wanted to go and now that I decided to concede, he says he can’t go. I will never, ever, understand him. Ever. I asked him this morning why he didn’t want to go and he said, now he is paranoid I will get hurt. It wasn’t like I was going to do the most dangerous part, I am still very capable of doing the lesser areas in these conditions. So we decided to go horseback riding instead–in the heat.  Yay, my horses will love that because they don’t know yet. lol

I know this one isn’t all blood and guts and fistfights, but it’s not always like that. If it were I’d have already left. The good times are still there, they are just present far less than the bad times.

Recalling “Gina”, From Craigslist Personals – Part 1

[Recollection]

So I found a female’s (I’ll call her “Gina”) email address is my bf’s iPhone, no name, no number, just an email address in the Contacts section.  Having an iPhone, I know it must be added manually in some capacity, it just doesn’t happen to be there by some glitch. 

I asked my now b/f [I gave the ring back] who it was, he “didn’t know” he said. Well, you know damn well I had already written down the contact email, googled it, and then wrote her. I was determined to find out the truth. This was now the 3rd attempt at hooking up with someone for casual sex, although he still maintained nothing ever happened.

Before you start thinking I am a psycho for looking in his phone and googling, and writing to this person to begin with, when you read what I found out, you will understand WHY I do this. The only ‘psychosis’ involved is why I choose to stay in the relationship to begin with. As Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”

So I write “Gina” originally under the guise of being my b/f and having found her email, I asked her how I knew her, with no response. I tried again, this time with the truth.

Date: Thursday, May 20, 2010, 3:19 PM

“Gina”,
 
I doubt that you will write me back but as a woman, I hope that you will hear me out.  I found your email in my fiancé’s phone, recently added.
 
I have had a lot of issues with this very physically abusive man and whom I have let live in my house and have been supporting his career. I recently found that he had been soliciting women off of CraigsList to get back at me and although he gave his number to five women, he insists he did nothing.  What I am asking you is how did you come into contact with _____________. I would really appreciate an honest answer because he says he “doesn’t remember” how he got your email.
 
I would really like to know this so I can better arm myself with a reason to finally let go.  If you have any information, it would be greatly appreciated. The email was ______________.
 
Please, as a fellow female, please let me know the truth so I will finally know it myself. 

She then responded with:

Hello,
 
I received an email from “_____________” yesterday saying something about losing a phone and wanting to update their contacts. I ignored it and while I’m tempted to ignore your email too because I don’t want to be involved your mess, I’ll respond.
 
First, I do not know who “____________” is… A search of my email box doesn’t show any incoming or outgoing emails to this person.
 
Second, I use this email address for multiple purposes and yes, I’ve used it for craigslist things, from sex to concert tickets to normal services to buying things.
 
Third, I’m not a woman.
 
Fourth, if you tell me how recently my email address was added to your fiance’s phone, I may be able to decipher this better for you.
 
Finally, tell me your story. What city are you in and why are you suspicious of your fiance?
 
gina

I then responded with:

Date: Friday, May 21, 2010, 4:34 PM

Gina,

Thank you so much for responding, I really appreciate it.

Actually he was using an address that was I think __________ – probably added his number like he did the others, starting with ___ area code.

I found out he had been writing women on craigslist for reasons he said just to make me jealous, because after a last ditch effort to end the relationship (after he busted my face) I decided to go to ___________ with some friends. I assumed he would leave me alone afterwards, however he, being the woman hater he is, attempted to sleep with someone within a week to get back at me but is insisting he did nothing and wants to get back together.

Well I found 1 email from a severely skanky chick with an awful mouth. Now don’t get me wrong I am not a prude by any means, he and I have sex on average 3-4 times a day, and I kid u not. But he’s very vindictive. Hence CL.

Anyway, I called him on it, thinking he made another email acct and he did, which he conveniently lost password to. [Out of the corner of my eye I saw him go to delete something and I said, hey! WTF was that? He told me it was an email that he had attempted to start for a Twitter account for somethign relzted to his sports but he could never get it to work. All I could see is it said something like sxzoo@live.com but I have never been able to get in it nor have ai tried writing it. I confronted him on the fact that it said sxzoo? WTF!! And he said no, it has nothing to do with sex. What the fuck ever.  Anyway, I could never figure out any of that.]

Long story short, I found your name and email addy in his phone, which means he had to manually add it.

I just needed the truth, if he had slept with anyone or met anyone. He’s an attractive professional ________ and is so impulsive because of his disdain for women. He explained because women use their looks to use men, yet he fails to realize he uses women.

If you could just see if you had an email from that address, and if you went back and forth. He insists he did nothing with anyone but was devastated so acted impulsively. And regretfully. But the intention was there.

I really appreciate the info, and one more thing. Are you transsexual or? I have had transsexual and transgendered friends via what I do for work (medical) and I’m not judgmental. Just curious as to his curiosity or a case of mistaken identity.

If your ad was clearly sexual in nature or anything transsexual, would you tell me? It would have been around the 7th or 8th perhaps that he added your address.

I’m in ____________, above _________.

Thank you again, it’s very much appreciated.

Her response:

Hi ___________,
 
Well this is sure becoming a mystery to me and as I explain my situation, it becomes even weirder…
 
I did not exchange emails with that email address. However, the weekend you speak of, my girlfriend and I responded to two craigslist ads using this account, neither of them matching that address. We’re in ______and both the ads were too. One of the men came over and fucked my girlfriend while I went for a walk.  He’s written to her once or twice more (at this address) wanting to get together again and I think they may have exchanged text messages too. Do you have “my” phone number (which would really be my girlfriend’s phone)? I know they haven’t gotten together again as she only fucks other men if I know about it (and she prefers doing it in front of me). Also, I saw your guy’s picture (I googled ________ – who’s fucking hot, btw) and they aren’t the same guy.
 
So this is a real mystery to me… We’re in ________, you’re not. Was your man up here? The pictures don’t match… The dude that fucked my girlfriend is in ______ and has a ________ phone number…
 
Could it have been one of those weird iPhone things where information was mistakenly routed to a different phone and user? I’ve read about that happening with Facebook…
 
And to answer your question, I’m a crossdresser… But since the activity with that email address has been limited to my girlfriend finding a guy that specific weekend, even if it was ______ who wrote he wasn’t after me…
 
Hope this helps.
 
gina

To be continued…

Adult services censored on Craigslist (CNN)

Victory!  Firstly, trafficking women and children on Craigslist is as low as it gets. I am against it [trafficking] in all directions. But for me it is also a personal victory, even though Craigslist is not to blame, it is the seeking party that is ultimately the guilty one.

Today Craigslist replaced the Adult “Services” Section with “Censored” and a dead link [for now].

“The website has been under fire for allegations that it promotes prostitution.

Last week, attorneys general in 17 states banded together to urge Craigslist to discontinue its adult services.”

“The increasingly sharp public criticism of Craigslist’s Adult Services section reflects a growing recognition that ads for prostitution — including ads trafficking children — are rampant on it,” the attorneys general said in a Tuesday letter to Craigslist CEO Jim Buckmaster and Founder Craig Newmark.”

“The letter also highlighted a report in May by CNN’s Amber Lyon, who posted a fake ad for a girl’s services in the adult section. She received 15 calls soliciting sex in three hours.”

Read more: http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/09/04/craigslist.censored/index.html?hpt=T1

So although the blame is on the bfs, husbands, or whomever is soliciting, Craigslist still has a responsibility to not allow promotion of prostitution, which is illegal in most states and cities in the US, on its websites. 

I, for one, feel a little cheery about the decision given my personal experience with this. [Read more on that issue and what it’s like when Craigslist  actually affects you in the real world: Craigslist Is For Whores & A Pregnancy: Great.] However, I find it disheartening and pathetic that the majority of the males posting comments are opposed to the “censorship”, regardless of their decision to ever use it. They tout yet another assault against their civil liberties, and some go even so far as to compare being a wife or girlfriend to being a prostitute. The reasoning is that a woman won’t “put out” if a man does not shower her with gifts, provide her with shelter, etc.  Hence they are already paying for it and bitch even when she doesn’t “put out”.  Are they serious? What a bunch of douchebags.  They shouldn’t even be allowed to breed. Just go live on an island with beer, unlimited sports TV, and whatever carnal desires you wish, but no breeding for you lest you pass on your despicable funk to your offspring. Yes, I do believe in culling.

So in essence, I am a prostitute since I am a girlfriend? Okay let’s break this down, idiot. A. I don’t get gifts but once in a rare blue moon B. I provide the shelter C. I provide the food for the most part. And D. we are both willing to have sex, freely with one another. I don’t consider him a prostitute (although I must say when the CL issue came around and name-calling ensued, I did insult him by saying he was the whore, not me). 

Anyway…a healthy sexual relationship (note I did not say a healthy relationship, in general) is one where both parties wish to have sex in whatever fashion they desire as long as they are not hurting one another and one does not feel pressured to do so.  It is a healthy desire to share with one another any form whether it be sweet and slow with lots of I love Yous, or with his hands around your neck, up against the cold shower wall, coming your brains out and moaning until the neighbor calls the cops. Whatever is your fancy, as long as it is consensual.

But for some dregs of society who don’t wish to work out or take care of themselves or please their partner in any way, to expect her to want to have sex with him all of the time, and vice versa isn’t realistic. Although we are supposed to base our relationships on the personality of the person inside that body, sexual attraction is still sexual attraction.  And it is up to the person doing the soliciting to do the right thing. A. They know it is illegal, and B. how can you respect yourself (and the other person) if you are paying a woman (or man) to be with you if they wouldn’t do so on their own time.  You can argue about it all day. Sex is a basic need, I understand that. And I understand that many times it is all someone wants. They don’t have time fo the relationship or the other bullshit that comes along with it. Which many may argue that prostitution is consensual. Sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn’t. Even if it is, lower “rent” prostitutes, are usually not doing it because they love it. Would you? Really?

My point is, the only thing I DO expect out of a civilized society is that one seeks out whatever pleasures he or she wishes without hurting others. This includes loved ones who may be severely destroyed by the thought of their loved one going elsewhere–no matter how pissed off they are.  The problem isn’t in the sexual act at all, it is when the issues are so self-destructive and vindictive one makes very poor choices. But, I digress, the article is about Craigslist and their role in promoting prostitution.

But I believe I have some insight that others rarely do since I have, in fact, spoken with parties who have placed these ads. Clearly not for my own “pleasure”, but understanding how their contact information was in my own bf’s phone/email inbox and actually what did transpire. Some were quite shocking, others were scams.

All in all, I still maintain it is up to the person in the relationship NOT to seek out services that are not approved by the other party within the relationship. It is essentially about trust, and of course what is legal in your state/city.

**I just let my bf know about the Craigslist issue and he said he was glad it was closed down because it “isn’t right.” That makes no sense, this is either someone who is full of shit since he did in fact try to use these services (although he still maintains he was looking for freebie hook-ups. Yeah, because so many women out there just want to f*ck for free and use CL to hook up.  Or he is so BPD that he is ashamed and what? Afraid of temptation? God knows there are tons of sites out there. But he said no, because he is afraid of even going on CL now because he is afraid I will think the worst.***

So I proceeded to let him know that had he ever been busted even for being curious, or carrying through, he would have been a registered sex offender, a felon (although some are misdemeanors), no longer able to vote, have to possibly register where ever he lives (and even then he would have restrictions on where he is allowed to live). He could also possibly never have unsupervised visits with his children again, or until they were 18.  There are also restrictions in some states on what you can even do on say, Halloween if you are a registered sex offender (but these are usually tier 2/3 offenders. So really, is it worth it?

The sad truth is, prostitution has been around for many, many, maaaany centuries. Either voluntarily or as sex slaves which were sold or traded.  And honestly, I know it isn’t going anywhere. The secret is to be with someone who wouldn’t stoop that low.  Even if a man/woman were single, I could not respect him (or her) if he/she paid for it.  It’s my own personal belief.

Adrenaline Addiction

I was reading my Stop Walking On Eggshells book last night and I had read that a lot of Non-BPs (the partners and family of those involed in relationships with those who are BP (Borderline Personality Disorder, or who show signs of it). Well, lo and behold it said that many Non-BPs are “addictied” to drama (i.e. high risk, or high-adrenaline situations). That is the second time in 30 days this has been suggested to me.  Great.

Not that I am going to use that as a crutch but it certainly helps relieve some stress to find out why I actually “put up” with such drama most of the time, and why I don’t completely break away–for good.  I am not sure I have mentioned it but a friend of mine said that she is part of Adrenaline Addicts Anonymous and sent me the info and handbook. I found the handbook a bit religious and preachy for me but I understand the concept. I don’t agree that mostly those fom high energy families are prone to these situations, as my family is pretty low key. I am the only person in my family who pushes life to the limits in my sports. Everyone else has “normal” past-times.

I know I need to read more into it but I just thought it worth mentioning there was a connection with BPs and Non-BPs having this “addiction”.

Oh Yeah, Clearly I Wasn’t “Strong”

While he was still out of town, he wound up texting me 3 hours before his flight and telling me he was flying back home, calmly like nothing happened. I said, well do you need a ride (I had his truck at my house, and the airport is an hour away). He said no. I said I could if he needed it. I just can’t seem to be a major bitch once I cool off.

So I picked him up at the airport and he comes over to my side of the car while I was parked in the passenger pick-up lane. I don’t get out, and then he walks back over to his side, aaaand repeat. I mouthed to him, “you’re not f*cking driving my car.” He has damaged my car twice and not paid for it and my car is NOT a beater car.  SO he gets in and I asked him what he was thinking, trying to drive. Then he admits that he was just trying to get a hug. I said, “really? You think that you’re getting a warm welcome?” I told him that he was lucky I was even at the airport. I am still completely in a foul mood at this point. I had gotten there early (my fault) and had to wait a while and mad time to think of all the bullshit the last few days.

We drive home and for an hour the car ride is peppered with silence and a little talking about what had happened, how the kids were, how his parents were, etc. We finally got home and he immediately decided to cut the grass and do some things around the yard. When he disappears for yardwork and in the garage, it is his way of apologizing without actually saying “I’m Sorry”.  The grass needed to be cut so who am I to say anything? He stayed the whole month of August without so much as a dime to the bills so I felt he should be doing it. I didn’t stop him.

I can’t even recall, btw, how we actually would up together again but we did a day later or so. I let him stay at my house that night and in my bed but I was still so angry. 

A few days later we fought again about the Craigslist thing because he changed his story AGAIN and as you know, that fucking pisses me off to the hilt. He completely forgets reality because A. either he lied in the first place and doesn’t remember his story, or B. as usual he is lying to himself because he is so ashamed of his actions. Or both for all I know. I mean, really? How am I supposed to know the truth when he doesn’t even know the truth??

This, of course, branches off into fights about strippers again and that I felt that since his ex-wife didn’t know every time he went to a strip club that that was lying by omission. And what does he say? he said that he thought it was acceptable behavior to do so since she had gone to one. Wait, he can get lap dances, not topless table dances mind you, full-on nude vaginas rubbed up against your crotch by some naked dancer that he so often puts down and simultaneously objectifies at the same time WHILE MARRIED and not tell his wife. And that shit’s okay?  Now I am enraged at this point.  I discover things I had no idea about, as in his wife really didn’t know he did this when he was out of town. You see, since he had done it that one time she knew about and she knew the guys went there, he assumed she knew every time he went but, “they never talked about it” – so he assumed it was okay and she didn’t mind,  “Well, that’s because she didn’t know!!” I scream.  And she didn’t!

I ask him “well, did you go home and have sex with your wife after? I mean clearly, most men do, so did your ex-wife realize that you were having beautiful, naked women rub themselves on the crotch of your pants and then go have sex with your wife??” He told me, that he only did it when he was out of town because the team owner and the crew wanted to go out. So, what, you have to do it? You’re against it, but you feel compelled to do it because they are? AND get a lapdance since you’re already there? I am disgusted by now because I realize he lied to his wife the whole time and then tried to justify it. Which in turn means he probably did it to me. He insisted he had never since we were together but went right before we had met.

This goes on forever and I told him you actually getting off sexually with another woman while out of town while your wife has no clue of your bullshit is essentially cheating. And it fucking is.  To a lesser degree, low level prostitution. Those who may disagree, think for a minute:

1. Is there not another person involved whih you were attracted to, outside the relationship? Yes,
2. Wasn’t there sexual contact by definition, regardless if there was no fluid exchange? Yes.
3. Would you have done that in front of your wife? No.
4. Would you have told your wife you let a full-nude, woman rub your crotch with her bare vagina? Hell no.
5. Would you have wanted your wife to find out you did the above? No.
6. Were you not sexually aroused? No, okay, well, yes.
7. Did you not seek sexual self- gratification in the privacy of your hotel room afterwards? Maybe a few times.
8. Did you not actually pay for this sexual arousal?  Usually the guys paid for mine.

If your wife did the same thing you would murder her, I yell! Why is there such unfairness?? Can you imagine if I did any such thing? Not that I would in a thousand years, I personally think that male dancers are gross, guys just can’t be sexy in that regard to me. I like the aloof, attractive, confident (yep, I was fooled) and talented guys who don’t talk about their penis size all day. The ones who are very good at their hobby, or sport/job/career, who are ambitious, the top of their game, fun to be with and intelligent. Like they say, it isn’t bragging if you can back it up.  Natural selection at its finest. The strongest, fastest, and most attractive tend to get the female (at least the idiotic ones like me whose biological clocks are ticking).  So clearly I have been unable to get past my most natural instincts and move on to richer, more stable pastures.  I’ve been in said pasture before, and it was fun for a while but at the time the drama (everyone has drama) wasn’t worth it to me. For some screwed up reason, the present drama clearly is in some capacity.  And I am an idiot for not choosing the other pasture.  Is passion fleeting?  If it is, then why 2 years later am I even more aroused by him, even more sexually satisfied, even more insanely attracted to him? Why are we both this way, why do we fight so much and then have the most amazing connection I can imagine?  When the hell does this stop?

Borderline Personality Disorder

 

After having bought “Stop Walking On Eggshells” my bf decided to read it and was appalled he had matched all of the symptoms and the behaviors of one with BPD.   We actually were reading the book together but one issue we had during this little bonding moment, was that I noticed he had finished the two open pages far faster than even possible for him. Unfortunately there was a very important table section on the distinct differences between Lower-functioning and Higher-functioning (what he may be) BPs. Of course this upset me because if you are going to pretend to want to do something about it then read the damn book.   I, of course, pointed this out and then decided to “quiz” him on the differences in the two types. I asked him which group was more likely to get help. He answered incorrectly that it was the higher-functioning BP, when in fact lower-functioning BPs tend to receive mental help more often because they are prone to self-mutilation or suicide attempts which require medical intervention, and therefore hospital stays, therapy. This was VERY important I felt.  Well I took the book away and said forget it, I’ll read it myself and if you want to make an effort, go get your own book. he said he was wanting to skip to the part about how to FIX someone with BPD. I told him there is no “cure” per se, but rather exercises and what not, boundary exercises, etc. Therapy can help, sometimes meds and that a BP is often narcissistic (big surprise there).  But he was going to make to make an effort. 

The next day he had bought me a card and had apologized for his inability to realize or listen to my suggestions for so long (and yes, I have heard all of this before in many regards) but this time he has been going to the local library and researching BPD on microfilm, books, magazines, medical articles etc.  Granted it has only be a few days and two library visits and who really know what he is looking up because he comes back with info and movies that he is interested in and completely unrelated to BPD, as well as the single obligatory BPD book. 

Anyway,  We’ll see. In the mean time I haven’t even left the house other than to get cigarettes, which I still have not quit *sigh*  I am afraid to even leave or it may cause an argument.

Wedding Jealousy: What Happens When I Have A Little Fun

[Recollection]

Long story short, I had my friend’s wedding at my house for 150 people and I was second bridesmaid so I had a TON of stress. BF didn’t want me drinking and I said I didn’t want him drinking but this was because this friend was the one he called a whore that day (which she is SO not) and one attendee was the one that he had 3 fistfights with.

Well, the day drew long and one bridesmaid made me a drink, I drank it. I was so worried about my antiques, my cats getting out, the drinks on my antique piano (OMG) so I was, without a doubt, stressed to the hilt.  I realize I made a promise but I thougth no harm in it because I do not have a problem in the least with it. I did have several more drinks and at the end of the night I had tried an ice luge, which I had never tried. I was more relaxed and wanted to dance a little. It was late and hardly anyone was left at the party.

So I start dancing a little to some fun songs and then I had the DJ put on tango and BF was standing there and I started to prompt him to tango with me, which we have before in the privacy of our own home. My part of the dance was first (and only involved two slow moves) and it is slightly sexy.  Then the leftovers said Woooo! because it was pretty cool looking and they thought they were going to see a good tango. And then he walked off from me and sat down. I was humiliated. So I danced near him with not may people there, I think like 5 (the DJ, friend BF punched, bride, groom and bartender) plus the two of us. I didn’t do anything bad.  I just was kidding and pretended I was a dancer, but not taking clothes off of course! And not sleezy. Well my friends screamed woo! again because I NEVER let loose when BF is around. I was just having fun with him, not showing off for anyone else. I tried getting him out of his shell but it ended so poorly.

So he got up and called me a whore and the fight got worse and worse and everyone eventually left after we cleaned up with BF upstairs, pouting. We fought for about 2 hours, and it ended in crazy sex and then the next morning a fist fight. Lovely.